Friendship in adulthood can feel weird. When you’re a kid, making a friend is as easy as asking someone to play at recess. These days, it’s a little more complicated. How the h*ll do you make friends as an adult?
Friendships can easily feel more surface-level in our hyper-connected lives. Real-deal friendships — the kind that dig deep and stand the test of time — are harder to come by.
But here’s the catch: we all want those connections. We crave the group chat that doesn’t judge, the late-night phone call that calms your chaos, the person who remembers your dog’s name and your big work pitch. So if we want meaningful friendships, we have to ask a hard but essential question: Do I know how to be a good friend?
Friendship Isn’t Just Vibes — It’s Work
The best friendships can feel easy, but they’re not effortless. As with any valuable relationship, you have to put in the work to keep it going. How do you be a good friend and put in the effort? Show up: emotionally, mentally and physically.
That doesn’t mean you have to drop everything each time a friend needs you (you’re human, not a crisis line), but it does mean being reliable. It’s texting back, remembering the important dates and being there when you notice they’re “off.”
A good friend doesn’t wait for a major set-back to check in. They create a pattern of presence. Trust is built through consistency, not grand gestures.
Vulnerability: The Secret Sauce
There’s no real intimacy without vulnerability. And yet, many people keep friendships at arm’s length out of fear of being “too much.” Here’s the truth: if you want real friends, you’ve got to be real.
This means ditching the highlight reel and being willing to share when life feels like a mess. It also means creating space for your friends to do the same, without rushing in to fix everything. Sometimes, the best thing you can offer isn’t advice, it’s just sitting in the dark with someone until the light comes back on.
Let Friendships Evolve
One of the most overlooked truths about adult friendships is that they change — and that’s not always a bad thing.
People move. They have kids. They burn out. They grow in new directions. And just like romantic relationships, friendships go through seasons. The friend who used to be your Friday night wingman might now be your Saturday morning coffee pal, and that’s OK.
Honor the shifts. Don’t guilt someone for needing more space, and don’t shame yourself for outgrowing a dynamic that no longer feels aligned. You can love someone deeply and still not do life as closely as you once did.
Set expectations accordingly. Not everyone is your ride-or-die, and that doesn’t make them less valuable. You’ve got your chosen family, your happy hour crew, your meme exchange squad — and they all serve a purpose.
Friendship Is an Intimate Relationship
We don’t talk enough about how friendships are intimate relationships. Just because there’s no romantic component doesn’t mean the stakes are any lower.
A real friend sees you. All of you. And that kind of closeness requires mutual respect, boundaries, forgiveness and effort.
You don’t have to be perfect. But you do have to care enough to try. So, how do you build trust in these relationships? Through:
- Understanding: Listening to someone’s lived experience, even if it’s different from your own.
- Consideration: Thinking about their needs and time, not just your own.
- Showing up: In small ways that add up over time.
How to Make Friends as an Adult
If your current circle feels more like a triangle, you’re not alone. Making new friends as an adult can feel forced, but it doesn’t have to. Here are some tips for making friends that actually work:
- Follow your interests: Join a class, club or group that aligns with what you already enjoy.
- Be the initiator: Don’t wait around. If you vibe with someone, ask to grab coffee.
- Be consistent: One-off interactions don’t build bonds. Cultivating friendships with regular meetups or check-ins does.
- Open up: If you want deep friendships, go beyond the surface. Ask better questions. Share a bit more.
- Don’t rush the timeline: Friendship, like trust, builds in layers. Be patient with the process.
Embrace the Ultimate Friendship Hack: Be the Friend You’re Looking For
Everyone’s out here wondering, “Where are my people?” But not enough of us are asking, “How am I showing up for my people?”
If you want those rare, solid-as-a-rock friendships — the ones that feel like home — you’ve got to be ready to offer that same energy. Yes, it’s work. Yes, it takes time. But the return? Unmatched.
Friendship isn’t a transaction. It’s a slow-building trust fall, made up of shared moments, mutual care, inside jokes, and the courage to be there through the good and the bad.
The next time you’re struggling with how to make new friends, start with this: Put yourself out there and be the kind of friend you’d want in your corner. The rest will follow.
